Meeting of the Mindless by Darksage At the beginning of each month, Sigma holds a productivity meeting for each of his maverick squads to find out how to boost morale. The following is a complete transcript of one of those such meetings. Read at your own risk... SPARK: Hurry up! The sooner it gets started, the sooner it gets over with! JADE: Calm down Spark, we'll have plenty of time to do more useful things later. ANIME MASTER: Like watch more anime? SEADRAGON: Play pranks on Vile? DARK KNIGHT: Beat up the town drunk? JADE: Exactly. CYROS: So, what are these meetings supposed to accomplish? REGULUS: I’ll let you know when I finally find out myself. All the chatter stops as Vile and Sigma make their entrance at the front of the room. VILE: Shut up you imbeciles, your lord and savior, master Sigma has entered. SIGMA: Thank you for the flattering, yet ass-kissing type intro Vile. Everyone, please be seated. Everyone sits down, except for Darksage, who's already slumped over in his chair, asleep. SIGMA: Before we get started, Vile, read what happened during the last meeting. VILE: Sir, do I really have to? It's nothing but- SIGMA: Do it now, Vile, unless you want to go back to bathroom duty. ALL: *snickers* VILE: *grumbles* Last time, I suggested we get a new leader for this squad, which got turned down. Later, I suggested that their TV time be cut in half, but it was also turned down. Launch Octopus followed by asking that they all get a LCD TV/DVD combo added to each of their beds along with a year subscription to the Reploid Spice network, which was *shivers* voted yes. ANIME MASTER: Greatest idea ever! VILE: Quiet, pachyderm breathe! Master Sigma, the floor is yours. SIGMA: Alright, anyone wants to start off today's meeting? *points out* Yes, Mandrill? SPARK: Can we stop talkin’ and open the mini bar? SIGMA: All those in favor? VILE: Hold it, HOLD IT! With all due respect, sir, the bylaws of our meetings say that a meeting is not over until all issues have been taken care of, and I have one. REGULUS: Yeah, like we don't know what that'll be. VILE: Shut your pie hole! SIGMA: Settle down everyone. *sighs* Okay Vile, what's your suggestion? VILE: I move that we replace that idiotic octopus as the squad leader. SIGMA: All those in favor? VILE: AYE! SIGMA: All those opposed? ALL: NAY! DARKSAGE: ZZZ...zzz... VILE: Sigma, sir, this is not an issue to be voted on! I want you to decide! SIGMA: Well, I want all my mavericks to feel that I semi-care about them, so this mockery of democracy stays. JADE: Well said sir! OTHERS: YAY! SIGMA: With that matter settled anyone else has anything to say before we all get hammered? SEADRAGON: Actually, I do. I'm tired of fighting the Zeta Squad and the same old enemies all the time. I motion that we get an assignment that will allow us to beat the crap out of someone else for a change. SIGMA: If it helps productivity, I'm all for it. All those in favor? ALL: AYE! DARKSAGE: ZZZ...zzz... SIGMA: In that case, Vile, what do we have for them? VILE: *swearing under his breathe while reading a clipboard* We need a squad to destroy an underground water purification system on Tuesday. JADE: We can't do Tuesday. SEADRAGON: Yep, it's our bowling league night. VILE: Lazy sons of...How about a raid on city hall, scheduled for next Wednesday? CYROS: Nope, it's Karaoke night. VILE: Ugh. What about sabotaging a subway this Friday? REGULUS: Spark and I are going hunting. VILE: Robbing the last national bank next Saturday? ANIME MASTER: No can do, sci-fi convention. VILE: Cutting communication lines on Thursday? DARK KNIGHT: Getting my legs waxed. VILE: BLOWING UP A PHOTO HUT NEXT SUNDAY??!! JADE: DS has a Hula lesson. DARKSAGE: ZZZ...zzz... VILE: What the-Who the hell would do Hula lessons?! SIGMA: *eyes glowing* I'm the class instructor... VILE: Oh...well...like I said, where do I sign up? SEADRAGON: Never mind then. I guess I'll just settle for our normal routine for now. SIGMA: Okay, now is there anything else? Yes, Boomer Kuwanger? DARK KNIGHT: I'd like to ask when am I getting another Star Destroyer? After all, it was taken from me a while back on assignment and I was never reimbursed, plus I blame Vile for it. VILE: Why is it MY fault? DARK KNIGHT: Why not? SIGMA: Since it was during a mission, I give you a month's worth of night and weekend access to Vile's truck. DARK KNIGHT: Sweet! OTHERS: YAY! DARKSAGE: ZZZ...zzz... VILE: WHAT! SIGMA: It's only fair Vile. VILE: Well, in that case, I demand I get reimbursed for all the CD's they destroyed from my collection during their random acts of stupidity! JADE: I object! Indoor skeet shooting practice is quite useful! SIGMA: Sorry, Launch Octopus, but fair is fair. Vile, which CD's need replacing? VILE: My three volume's of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits, my 5-disc Barbara Streisand collection, Celine Dion's Christmas album, Michael Bolton's- SIGMA: Wait a second, you listen to that crap? VILE: Yes, I do sir, but- SIGMA: In that case, you can do whatever you'd like with Vile's CD's. ALL: YAY! DARKSAGE: ZZZ...zzz... VILE: Damn it all! SIGMA: Now with the matter taken care of, does anyone else have any business? Yes? *points* ANIME MASTER: Who me? Oh, okay. Well, I've been thinking of a perfect assignment for us and I have it. We should raid the offices for 4Kids TV! JADE: I second that motion! DARK KNIGHT: I third it! SIGMA: I'm all for raising havoc and horror upon human masses, so I don't see any problems with it. May I ask why the establishment needs to be taken out? ANIME MASTER: It's pure evil! It tortures everyone and everything with either horrible kiddie programming or dubbed anime. It is unspeakable what it does to people. SIGMA: From what you tell me, it tortures humans more than us. ANIME MASTER: Well, um, I guess it does. I never thought of it that way before. SIGMA: On the grounds that the programming is harmful to humans, motion is denied. Are there any other matters? VILE: Yes, and make it relevant! CYROS: Can I be Boomer Kuwanger again? This armor is too bulky and I don’t know all the functions yet. DARK KNIGHT: Stop your whining again. I am Boomer and that is that. CYROS: I am not whining, just complaining because things are not how I want them! SPARK: I like you as you are Cyros! CYROS: Well, thank you Spark. SPARK: You are the greatest Armored Gerbil we ever had! REGULUS: …he’s an Armadillo, Spark. SPARK: Since when?! CYROS: *face palms* Forget it; I’ll just take an instruction manual then. SIGMA: We’ll do that then. Vile, be sure to print a copy of the Armadillo manual off the documentary database after the meeting. VILE: Sir, that database runs on Windows Vista 8, I don’t want to touch it! SIGMA: Vile… VILE: *sighs* Yes sir. SIGMA: Anything else? JADE: I have something I’d like to bring up. VILE: *palms his face* Oh no. JADE: I’ve been having some problems with the DVD player attached to my TV. So, as squad leader, it’s my duty to suggest that we all get DVD player cleaners for each of our systems. ALL: AYE! VILE: WHAT? We didn’t even… SIGMA: In that case, motion granted. VILE: WAIT! Sir, before you agree to any of their other idiotic requests, I have another matter I'd like to discuss. SPARK: *cough*Jackass*cough* VILE: Screw you Donkey Kong! I want to know, since nothing is going to be done about these fools' actions or their leader, can something be at least done with their expense account? SIGMA: What is wrong with their expenses? VILE: The following has been charged to their squad credit account since the last meeting: A membership to the Anime of the Month Club... ANIME MASTER: It was worth it! VILE: ...an X-BOX 1080... JADE: That was purely for skill training! VILE: ...five crates of Pokemon DS games... CYROS: That’s for a secret project! VILE: ...a Tickle Me Darth Vader doll... DARK KNIGHT: Uh...it must be a misprint! Yeah, misprint! VILE: ...a Mr. Funtime Flame Thrower... REGULUS: It's fun for all ages! VILE: ...and eight sheered sheep plus rubber gloves, a bottle of cooking oil, and a funnel. SPARK: I was drunk and lonely! ALL: *stare at Spark* SPARK: Well, I was! SIGMA: Hmm, you seem to have a valid argument Vile. VILE: I know I do. Plus there is the matter of a scheduled trip to Monte Carlo I haven’t- DARKSAGE: *wakes up* …mmm…ooo…um, Vile, I don’t think you should be talking about that. It’s my scheduled monthly vacation you owe me. VILE: Listen you lazy lounge lizard… JADE: Actually, I think its lazy lefty lounge Lizard laying long ways laterally. VILE: Lazy lefty lounge-SHUT UP! Anyway, you’re just as bad as the others and you don’t get any vacations! DARKSAGE: Actually, you’re wrong. *takes out a contract and puts on a pair of glasses* Now, if you read the contract I signed when I joined this establishment in conjunction with a similar agreement with my former employer, I’m entitled to monthly excursions due to page three, article five of the agreement with the Imperial Workers Union of the Galactic Empire. In said article it states, and I quote, “Said employee of the first part of article 5-1, referred to as the party of the first part, will hereby be granted all necessities listed in article 3-2 by said employer form article 4-1, also referred to as the first party of the second part. As said in article 3-2, necessities are included includes, but are not limited to, those listed in article 4-7, in which states…” Two hours later… DARKSAGE: …and that concludes my statement in my own defense. ALL OTHERS INCLUDING SIGMA AND VILE: ZZZ…zzz… DARKSAGE: *blares an air horn* SIGMA: WHA! Oh, um, yeah. I rule in favor of Sting Chameleon, on the grounds of I don’t ever want to hear that again. DARKSAGE: Good. *goes back to sleep* ZZZ…zzz… VILE: You know what; I’m starting to give up! How the hell can I keep order around here when these imbeciles can get away with anything?! DARK KNIGHT: We don’t get away with everything, just like the time we tried to spray paint your armor so you’d look even more like Boba Fett while you were sleeping. VILE: You didn’t because I was eating and not asleep at the time! ANIME MASTER: I was wondering why that didn’t work. SIGMA: Settle down all. Now, are their any other matters that need to be handled? Yes, Chill Penguin, I see your hand is raised. REGULUS: I would like to suggest a motion that Vile is taken off of duties as squad supervisor. JADE: I second that more than anything. VILE: Hold everything! I did nothing wrong during my time in this post. This suggestion is unwarranted. ANIME MASTER: In that case, has the Zeta Squad been stopped yet? VILE: No, but- SEADRAGON: How about not being able to destroy Signas yet? VILE: Don’t blame me- JADE: Don’t forget about X still being alive. VILE: It wasn’t- DARK KNIGHT: What about Zero being resurrected a million times? VILE: HOLD IT! These are not my fault! Sigma, sir, these incompetent fools are to blame, not me. I’ve done everything in my power to stop the hunters but these goof-ups keep messing it up. SEADRAGON: Vile, you are the one who gives us orders. CYROS: Also, if the squad members have been screwing up, isn’t it your responsibility to take the blame since you are the supervisor? SIGMA: That is a good point… VILE: Master Sigma, you can’t be seriously considering this! SIGMA: All those in favor of Vile being- VILE: *leaps toward DarkSage* If you remove me from my post, I’ll wake up Chameleon! I mean it! ALL: … VILE: I’ll do it, I swear I will! SIGMA: All right Vile, calm down. JADE: You know you don’t have to be so dramatic about everything. DARK KNIGHT: We were only fooling around anyway. ANIME MASTER: Yeah, I don’t think there’s anyone else that we can do as much stuff behind their back and get away with it as much as we do with you. VILE: I’m, well, I’m touched. That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to…WAIT! YOU INSULTED ME AGAIN, DIDN’T YOU???! SIGMA: Calm down Vile. *hands him a paper bag* VILE: *breathing in the bag* SIGMA: Okay, now are there any other matters? Yes, Launch Octopus? JADE: Will Vile be talking again any time soon? SIGMA: Not with his hyperventilating, why? SPARK: GOOD! Let’s end this and open the mini bar! SIGMA: All those in favor? ALL: AYE! VILE: *trying to object, but can’t talk* SIGMA: Okay, the meeting is adjourned and the mini bar is open! ALL: YAY! Everyone stampedes out, with Vile chasing after. One hour later… DARKSAGE: *wakes up* Who, what? Oh, where is everyone? Oh well. *goes back to sleep* ZZZ…zzz… The End           Megaman, X, Rockman, and related characters are copyright to Capcom.