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One Winged Maverick
by Jade
Daybreak at the Maverick Hunter HQ. The Zeta Squad reports to the control room for another day.
 EXPLODER CONESHELL: Where’s X? Didn’t he call us down here?
 ALIA: He had some things to take care of. He should be back in a few minutes.
 FLASHING CHIMPANZER: (puts his arm around Alia) So babe, what are you doing tonight?
ALIA: (pushes his arm away) Nothing that involves you.
 BLADE TENTOMUSHI: *snicker* Oh, SNAP!!
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: Shut your face.
BLADE TENTOMUSHI: Make me, Diddy Kong reject.
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: Gladly!
He zaps Tento with a Sparkling Bolt.
ALIA: Hey, you kids! Take this outside!
 SPINE IGUANADON: Yeah! Fight!! Fight!!
 NOVA BRONTAUR: Fight!! Fight!!!
 MEGAMAN X: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW AND GROW THE HELL UP!!!
X is standing in the doorway.
MEGAMAN X: Seriously, you act like nothing but a bunch of children sometimes. You’re Maverick Hunters, so act like it!! I have an important mission for you all. The legendary, and very valuable Black Materia is on display at the Megalopolis Museum this afternoon, and you’ll be guarding it from any Maverick scum-bag that wants to get his hands on it.
 POLAR URSARION: Eh?! What do Mavericks want with some silly black rock?
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 DARK KNIGHT: Eh? What do we want with some silly black rock?
 SIGMA: It’s not just “some silly black rock”, Kuwanger. Within that stone holds magnificent power beyond imagination! It’s said whoever possesses it can tear the whole of the Earth asunder!
 BLACKBELT: Why do we want to do that? I thought we wanted to conquer the humans, not destroy the world, and ourselves in the process, might I add.
SIGMA: You miss the point. That’s merely a legend of course.
 JADE: Like that gargantuan crater out west… What was it called?
 ANIME MASTER: Midgar Valley?
JADE: Yeah, that’s the one.
SIGMA: Anyway… The stone is on display at the Megalopolis Museum, and I want you guys to steal it. Just watch it. I’m sure the Hunters are anticipating us to move on it and will have it guarded.
The eight Mavericks leave Sigima’s office and head down the hall.
 SPARK: Now what? How do we steal that rock? It’s got lots of security, right?
JADE: That’s right.
 BRICK: So what do we do?
JADE: Turn the job over to a friend and be done by happy hour!
Five minutes and a phone call later…
 LUPIN THE THIRD: Sorry, I’d love to, but I’ve got a caper planned at the sorority house tonight, if you know what I mean.
A horse whinnies in the background.
LUPIN THE THIRD: Dammit, not Trojanman again! That's it, I'm calling for a restraining order!
JADE: …
Hangs up
 SEADRAGON: So…?
JADE: Looks like it’s up to us. We’ll have to go in stealthy covert-style.
 DARKSAGE: Why didn’t you say so? There ain’t no place I can’t sneak into!
JADE: I’m sure, but you’ll probably want some backup. The rest of you guys have any stealth experience?
SEADRAGON: I’ve seen every James Bond movie at least seven times.
JADE: Good enough. Let’s go!
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At the Megalopolis Museum, the Zeta Squad is patrolling the area…
 HELMET MOGRI: This sucks! This is boring, just standing around waiting for something to happen!
BLADE TENTOMUSHI: Deal with it. If we don't screw this job up, then maybe the other Hunters will give us a little more respect, huh?
HELMET MOGRI: Yeah, I'm getting kinda tired of Axl always shoving my face down the toilet.
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: Think Alia will finally go out with me?
BLADE TENTOMUSHI: I wouldn't count on a miracle, now.
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: Wanna go again? I'll kick your ass from here to Mississippi!
Around the corner…
BLACKBELT: Crap! The freakin' Zeta Squad's here.
SPARK: So? We can just kick their butts and vamoose with the Black Materia then, right?
JADE: Yeah, but we'll draw too much attention to ourselves and they’ll probably send X and/or Zero here for us to deal with next.
BLACKBELT: So what's our plan?
JADE: Operation "WWSSD?" (What Would Solid Snake Do?). Let’s find some cardboard boxes.
Five minutes later, Spark is crawling around the museum grounds covered by a cardboard box.
SPARK: (Speaking into a communicator) You sure this’ll work?
JADE: (Over the comm.) Absolutely. Remember, if you need anything, contact me by codec.
ANIME MASTER: Uh, actually, these are walkie-talkies from the dollar store.
JADE: Oh yeah…
And so, Spark sneaks into the museum, miraculously undetected. He makes his way to the display case with the Black Materia. On the other side of the case, are standing Spine Iguanadon and Nova Brontaur.
NOVA BRONTAUR: So what's the deal with this rock, anyway? Says its last owner was an "S. Roth" or something.
SPINE IGUANADON: I dunno. Something about the stone containing powerful black magic or something. But you never know with all the superstitious hoopla that's always going around.
SPARK: (To himself) Now how am I supposed to take it without being seen?
Meanwhile
DARKSAGE: Why the hell did you send Spark to do this anyway?? I'm the one with the super-sneaking abilities!
JADE: I knew I was leaving something out…
SEADRAGON: Oh boy; I can't wait to see what that big lug is gonna do.
Suddenly, the museum's alarm springs to life.
DARK KNIGHT: Oh, shit…
JADE: Spark!! Answer me! Spark!! SPAAAAAAAAARK!!!
SPARK: (Whispering) What do you want?! Quit shouting!!!
JADE: Sorry. I thought they got you.
SPARK: No, but they will if you insist on screaming through that thing!
Outside the box.
NOVA BRONTAUR: What was that?!
SPINE IGUANADON: Something tripped the alarm!! Let's check it out!
They scour the room and see the box…
NOVA BRONTAUR: What's this?
SPINE IGUANADON: A box, duh. Quit messing with that thing and let's go see what set the alarm off.
They hurry out of the room.
SPARK: Holy crap. Those morons actually fell for it.
JADE: I told you. Never question the box. Now just grab that thing and get out of there before more of them come back!
Mandrill punches the glass case, breaking it open and grabbing the Materia. As he gets ready to run out of the room…
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: What are you guys doing abandoning your posts?? You should be guarding the Materia!!
NOVA BRONTAUR: But…
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: No buts!! Now hurry up and get back to the Materia before…
They see Spark.
HELMET MOGRI: … One of these guys shows up…
BLADE TENTOMUSHI: Alright guys, this is it! Go get him!!
SPARK: Sorry, guys. Now that I have this, you guys are toast! (Holds out the Black Materia) Ya' hear that? Smash them to bits!!
The Black Materia glows.
EXPLODER CONESHELL: YOU IDIOT!!! Don't use that Materia; don't you realize what it'll do?!?
Too late. As he says that, the sky darkens and the ground starts shaking…
JADE: Uh… Spark… Maybe you should have a look at this…
Spark and the Zeta Squad exit the museum only to see a gigantic meteor up in the sky, slowly approaching Earth.
BRICK: Is that the Black Materia's power??
 TYPHOON ROBIN: Duh!!! Why do you think we were trying to guard it from you??
JADE: If it was that strong, why did you dolts get sent go guard it?
BLADE TENTOMUSHI: Shut up!! The point is, that big meteor is gonna make Eurasia look like a pebble! You've just destroyed the whole frikkin' world! I hope you retards are happy!!
ANIME MASTER: Sweet Jesus!
DARKSAGE: Hey, I know! Let's put a bomb on it, like in that Bruce Willis movie!
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: That thing is controlled by magic! It's not going to be destroyed like that!
JADE: Spark, how the hell did you call that thing, anyway??
SPARK: How should I know? I just thought it would zap them or something!
DARK KNIGHT: Well now it looks like it's gonna "zap" the whole world!
BRICK: Well, I've got but one suggestion…
BLACKBELT: Of course! We go on a mystical quest around the world in search of the White Materia to summon Holy and wipe out the Meteor!
DARK KNIGHT: Yeah, but according to the legend, Holy destroys EVERYTHING it decides is bad. That probably means us as well.
JADE: Besides, I don't think that big rock in the sky is gonna sit around and wait for us.
BRICK: Guys, I have one way.
JADE: What is it?
BRICK: It's a longshot… But that's a risk I'm willing to take. So long guys… Thanks for everything; I'll miss you.
BLACKBELT: Wait a second, what…
Without another word, Brick rockets up into the sky towards the Meteor.
BLACKBELT: … Was he talking about…?
SPARK: I dunno, but I think we're about to find out.
As he blazes toward the Meteor at blinding speed, Brick begins to greatly multiply in size.
ANIME MASTER: Hey, why didn't he ever do that stuff before?!
Grown to hundreds of times his normal size, the enormous Chill Penguin rockets at the Meteor, now the same size as him… and then…
BOOM!!!!!
An earth-sundering explosion blows the Meteor to pieces, which burn up harmlessly in Earth's atmosphere.
DARKSAGE: Oh my god…
SPARK: What the hell happened??
JADE: He just kamikazed himself…
SEADRAGON: Brick…
Suddenly, a flurry of attacks, courtesy of the Zeta Squad, sends the remaining Alpha Movement flying.
POLAR URSARION: Now give us back that Black Materia!
BLACKBELT: You jackholes! Brick just sacrificed himself to save this whole planet! That includes your ungrateful asses!
FLASHING CHIMPANZER: That's why we won't kill you today, but we want that Materia back nonetheless.
SPARK: Grrr… Here! Take it and get lost!!
He flings the Black Materia at Chimpanzer, the force putting a nice dent in his forehead.
FLASHING CHIMPAZER: I'll remember that…
The Zeta Squad takes off.
ANIME MASTER: Jeez… I can't believe I just saw that…
DARK KNIGHT: Now what?
JADE: Well, Brick loved this team; enough where he was willing to give his on life to save it. We're gonna make sure his sacrifice wasn't in vain. What do you say?
EVERYONE ELSE: Right!
JADE: Then let's go and toast some brews; for Brick!
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Back at Maverick HQ…
 SIGNAS: Zeta Squad. I'm really not sure what to think of you right now…
BLADE TENTOMUSHI: But… But we protected the Black Materia, right??
SIGNAS: Just barely!! And if not for one of the Alpha Movement, this whole planet would be history right now!! I can't stomach the idea that we're indebted to our enemy!
EXPLODER CONESHELL: B…but…
SIGNAS: No buts!!! But I suppose things did work out in the end, and for that, I'm not gonna demote you. Now get out of here!
The Alpha Movement is down one Chill Penguin, but they're not out yet. What will they do now?? Recruit a new member? Wish Brick back with the Dragonballs? Find out next time!!
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